Pathways Courses - Silence Hurts

Silence Hurts
Alcohol Abuse and Violence Against Women

Module 4: Alcohol and Domestic Violence - Page 14 of 23

Cycle of Violence

The cycle of violence within an abusive relationship is marked by specific phases. For this curriculum, the honeymoon phase will come first, since most relationships (abusive and nonabusive) start out with both partners on their best behavior. Here is what the cycle looks like.

honeymoon to tension building to serious battering and back to honeymoon

Phase 1: "Honeymoon"

At the beginning of most relationships, there is a period of relative calm, coupled with excitement about the new partner.
Partners tend to treat one another very well.
Gifts are given, especially from the male to the female.
The male is loving, charming, and attentive.
The female is trusting and swept away by the attention and love.³²

Phase 2: Tension Building

As time goes by, the male may become a bit edgy and irritable.
He may disapprove of small things around the house or with the woman. For example, he may expect dinner to be ready at a certain time and get upset if it is not.
He may insist that the woman dress or act in a certain way.
Slowly, the woman begins to feel a bit tense, like "walking on eggshells."
The man may have minor outbursts that include verbal abuse and minor hitting or slapping.
The man may become more possessive and want to control all of the woman's movements, financial information, and friends. She may not be able to talk to friends or family.
She may not be able to go to work because he keeps her up all night or forces her to drink.

Phase 3: Serious Battering

For many couples it may take a few years, but without some intervention (counseling) the abuse will become more violent. Where before the assaults were minor, the woman may now be badly hurt and need to go to the hospital.
The tension leading up to the incident is strong, and many women will speed up the cycle of violence to "get it over with."³³
During this phase, victims try to cover up bruises to the face or body and become isolated from family and friends.
Because this first cycle may have taken a few years to build up, most women do not realize the extent to which they have become isolated and scared. Some women are able to reach out for help, but many are not.
At this point, many women also get involved with alcohol or drug abuse to numb the physical and emotional pain. They also may feel trapped and isolated.
If children are present, they may become neglected or abused as well.

Phase 1: "Honeymoon" Again

After the severe violence, the man feels very sorry and becomes loving again.
He promises never to hurt the woman and tells her he loves her and that he will change.
He tells her he loves her more than anyone else would or does.
He may tell her she made him do it.
He again gives her lots of attention, flowers, or candy.
The woman loves him and wants to believe that he will not hurt her again.
The abuser begins to make the woman feel guilty and sympathetic toward him.
The abuser makes sure other people see his loving behavior.

The cycle can go around many times. In time, the cycle of violence can speed up and the intensity of the battering can get worse. For example, if the first cycle between the honeymoon phase and the serious battering incident took a year, it may be only 6 months before the next battering incident. The next may come in 3 months, and so on. Each incident that follows may become more violent until the woman ends up in a hospital or dead.